Walking alongside the port with two wonderful human beings by my side, guiding me along the river and describing the scene of Old Montreal, complete with horse-drawn, rose-colored carriage passing by, the night was practically perfect. The day was spent enjoying the wonderful company of the girl who may be the best friend I made in Paris, and enjoying the simple acts of dressing up or making pancakes together. I was overwhelmed with excitement when I saw Amel at the bus station, and we embraced one another with giggles and squeals that put young schoolgirls to shame! Shopping together again in another beautiful city was also a delightful experience that I had missed being able to blissfully escape into with her since my return to America.
Even though midterms are haunting me and my twenty-page paper has yet to have a single page sent in to my professor, who has requested at least half of my first draft in his inbox to view before my next tutorial, I'm managing to have some fun and still make some progress. Life is far from perfect, but right now, I am happy, et la vie est encore belle <3
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
A New Start
Well, here I am at last. in my lackluster Freshmen dorm consumed by a messy blur of heels, binders, and scattered odds and ends. It's been a little over a month since my arrival at Elmira College, yet I've already managed to change my schedule three times, miss each class at least once, and have a couple break-down sessions. Although there are many words I could use to describe my experience so far, "easy" is not one of them.
My expectations were unclear anyways, but I still had it in my head that I would get involved with interesting clubs, events, and people, and that all the social drama I felt in high school would never again return. However, this is a small town, and an even smaller campus, and already the chaos has recommenced. The majority of it does not concern or effect me, and even the portion of it which does play some sort of role in my current life is unable to penetrate my personal stability. It's all too fresh and not yet put together enough for me grasp any of it yet.
Play-times, bubble baths with Santa beards, and Dr. Suess before those late evenings of conversation on the Seine with his hand in mine amongst the fast-paced and eternally chic Parisians under the glimmering lights are no longer part of my life. Even considering the frequent nights of tears and loneliness, frustrations with the administration, and a long string of miserable dates with manipulative men during my initial months, and all of the constant work and stress I put myself through to get there, the result was completely worth it all. I was blessed enough to transform myself into a stronger, more independent, and much less ignorant human being who got to live the dream of finding love in Paris. Leaving that puppy-eyed child and saying "good-bye" to his family and my new friends, as well as the man who will never fully leave my heart, was the most excruciating emotional experience I have ever had.
Still, my determination got me here, and will lead me to my desires so long as I never forget my mission to learn, create, and explore. If I had stayed in Paris, as a nanny, even for only one more year, it would have been that much more difficult to leave, and there's a large possibility that I would not be able to bring myself to part from any of it until Etienne goes to college. I would hate myself if I didn't get an education, earn a degree, intern at DisneyWorld, and run off to Broadway auditions in New York City before joining the Peace Corps or teaching Engish in China. These are my ambitions, and if I were to wake up one morning ten or fifteen years from now and realized that I had never even attempted any of them, or wrote a book, or traveled the world, or completely any work of art and beauty, then I would learn what it is to regret. I never want that.
The place where I exist at this very moment is far from the place to where I strive, but it's the place I need to exist in at this very moment. This is where I am learning to create habits that will provide me with success, and where I will earn a degree and discover internships that will remain on my resume throughout the entirety of my future. This is where I need to be in order to begin the life I want to have in five years.
My expectations were unclear anyways, but I still had it in my head that I would get involved with interesting clubs, events, and people, and that all the social drama I felt in high school would never again return. However, this is a small town, and an even smaller campus, and already the chaos has recommenced. The majority of it does not concern or effect me, and even the portion of it which does play some sort of role in my current life is unable to penetrate my personal stability. It's all too fresh and not yet put together enough for me grasp any of it yet.
Play-times, bubble baths with Santa beards, and Dr. Suess before those late evenings of conversation on the Seine with his hand in mine amongst the fast-paced and eternally chic Parisians under the glimmering lights are no longer part of my life. Even considering the frequent nights of tears and loneliness, frustrations with the administration, and a long string of miserable dates with manipulative men during my initial months, and all of the constant work and stress I put myself through to get there, the result was completely worth it all. I was blessed enough to transform myself into a stronger, more independent, and much less ignorant human being who got to live the dream of finding love in Paris. Leaving that puppy-eyed child and saying "good-bye" to his family and my new friends, as well as the man who will never fully leave my heart, was the most excruciating emotional experience I have ever had.
Still, my determination got me here, and will lead me to my desires so long as I never forget my mission to learn, create, and explore. If I had stayed in Paris, as a nanny, even for only one more year, it would have been that much more difficult to leave, and there's a large possibility that I would not be able to bring myself to part from any of it until Etienne goes to college. I would hate myself if I didn't get an education, earn a degree, intern at DisneyWorld, and run off to Broadway auditions in New York City before joining the Peace Corps or teaching Engish in China. These are my ambitions, and if I were to wake up one morning ten or fifteen years from now and realized that I had never even attempted any of them, or wrote a book, or traveled the world, or completely any work of art and beauty, then I would learn what it is to regret. I never want that.
The place where I exist at this very moment is far from the place to where I strive, but it's the place I need to exist in at this very moment. This is where I am learning to create habits that will provide me with success, and where I will earn a degree and discover internships that will remain on my resume throughout the entirety of my future. This is where I need to be in order to begin the life I want to have in five years.
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