All the old stories talk of forbidden love and drastic measures, many end in a tragic twist of fate, the rest tell of defeated triumphs resulting in the "happily ever after" that we've all heard about, but here and now in the real world of a modern college girl in America, nothing goes the way the stories always go. Even after I moved to Paris and fell in love, something nearly every young American lady dreams of, I didn't wind up married in a country house in Provence. I wouldn't be happy if I lived in a country house with a husband right now, but that's what we're told we ought to want.
I promised myself that I would go to college and earn a degree. I vowed to study theatre and attempt to become a serious actress on a big stage. I refused to naively take the emotional path when it meant compromising my educational satisfaction, not at this age and not at a point in time when a degree becomes more and more valuable and necessary with each passing day. So, I ask myself, why is it that I'm questioning my choice to leave the city of lights and the people I grew to love?
Sometimes, when I see a friend's little brother or any kindergardener wearing a t-shirt with a truck on it, I just start crying. When there's a commercial or something on TV showing a kid learning to tie his shoes or ride a two-wheeler with great pride, the tears are guaranteed to fall. The fact that these things will probably happen for my "big, strong, tough guy" without me scares me. If I ever have any of my own children, I don't think I'll ever be able to let them move out after so much more than just a year together.
I know that I still could move back and work or study. but the schools there aren't what I want, and I'll hate myself if I get older and older but never earn a degree or go to a big audition or anything. There aren't any guarantees, ever, of success, especially not in the performance realm, but I'll hate myself if I never try. Still, it's something I think about all the time. I'm certain that I think about it far too much.
I also think about Marko all the time. It's been almost a year since I moved away, but it seems like a decade sometimes. On some days, many weeks pass within the time span of an hour. I'm not quite sure how that works, but it happens. I don't even have any want or need to settle down at any point in the foreseeable future, I just wish we could be together. I've resented the Atlantic Ocean and the thousands of miles it spans between here and Europe ever since I landed in Boston last July, and even though I told myself all of last summer and the first term of college that I would get over it and move on, that never happened. Going back to Paris in November only made my desire to be there much stronger, and returning to my parents' house and college was much more difficult than I had anticipated. I don't even know what I want, not in the grand scheme of things, I just know that being without him isn't it.
The crying and the breakdowns are never shown or talked about much in all the stories and fairy-tales, at least not the ones where the couple survives to be together in the end. No one ever mentions how hopeless you can feel and how horrible it is not to know if or when you'll get to see each other again. They say it's hard, but they never tell you how much...
Friday, March 26, 2010
Monday, December 14, 2009
Paris, Finals, and the Holiday Season
The streets of Paris welcomed me into the open spaces between antique buildings covered in cobblestones. The Bouyoux family embraced me with smiles and fresh coffee, and Marko held my hand in the marketplace that is the Champs Elysses during the Christmas season. There were art, fine pastries, and champagne over the weekend, followed by a great Thanksgiving feast and lots of cookies in my home-away-from-home, then some more art and a night out with Angela before my very short but worthwhile journey in Paris was through.
I absolutely adored my time in the city of lights, which is a place that I hold very dear in my heart. All the good-byes and airplane stress were almost more than i could handle, but somehow life moved along, as it has a tendency to do in spite of my desire for it to pause from time to time. Thanksgiving with my family in New Hampshire and seeing my grandparents again was also very lovely, and one of my older brothers surprised us all by showing up in our driveway with a U-Haul attached to his sunny yellow Jeep and news of his permanent return from Colorado! It all went by very fast, and with a very large amount of food, then I was back on campus.
My finals were not as awful as I had been anticipating, and everything worked out in the end, even though I realized that a lot of my success over the last term was the result of luck. This term, I need to do more and push myself, but I've set myself up to do just that.
Over Christmas break, which was also went by with rapid speed before my eyes, was pure and wonderful. My family and a few friends passed many moments of joy with me, and life got to be simple during that brief time. Sleep, novels, shopping, celebrations, and happy movies were enjoyed thoroughly, completely, and often. Church with my parents on Christmas Eve was full of song, smiling children filled to the brim with anticipation for the coming morning, and warm hugs from the congregation. When I woke up on the big day, clad in the new pajamas my parents let me open the night before, the spirit of the season had fully awoken within our home. Sweets for breakfast, all of my brothers at the house, each of us opening our stockings and presents around the big, brightly decorated tree, and a complete, home-made turkey dinner, and nothing and no one forgotten or burnt or missing combined together to form one of the best holidays I've ever been blessed enough to have. In the afternoon, I finished reading "Finding Noel," which was a lovely story, and I passed the evening with my grandparents and old home movies. For the first time since I was much younger, the day felt magical and pure. It was the first perfect Christmas of my adult life.
Snowboarding with my dad and cousin a couple of times in the mountains was exhilarating, even if I did fall and look like an idiot one or twice. The "face-sized" cookies I remember from my childhood were still available at the lodge, and Daddy shared one with me on the way home. New Year's Eve was small and simple with a couple of old friends and the ball dropping at midnight. I had to get my wisdom teeth taken out a few days before my return. Coming back to college was a blur of laundry, packing, driving, and attempting to get myself and my things together upon arrival.
Now I'm back, and I'm no longer in any real pain nor am I puffy-cheeked as I was a few days ago. Life is moving more slowly again. This term is already packed full of courses I know I will enjoy, and I'm in the process of completing my transfer applications for a few of the schools in Boston so that I will have my options open when I figure out whether or not I belong here, which will only be determined with time. This place is a good place, it's just unfortunate that the size of its theatre department as well as the location are not what I feel I want or need at this point. All of this is confusing, my realities and my attempts at planning. All of it confuses me and sometimes leads me to feeling anxious.
For right now, I'm just trying to reflect and take it all in. The next couple of weeks will be very interesting. Between auditions, forcing myself into better study habits, new classes, transfer paperwork, and all the little readjustments that I have to make now that I'm back, it's going to be a lot of work. I'm determined to make myself proud of all I put my efforts into over the semester.
I absolutely adored my time in the city of lights, which is a place that I hold very dear in my heart. All the good-byes and airplane stress were almost more than i could handle, but somehow life moved along, as it has a tendency to do in spite of my desire for it to pause from time to time. Thanksgiving with my family in New Hampshire and seeing my grandparents again was also very lovely, and one of my older brothers surprised us all by showing up in our driveway with a U-Haul attached to his sunny yellow Jeep and news of his permanent return from Colorado! It all went by very fast, and with a very large amount of food, then I was back on campus.
My finals were not as awful as I had been anticipating, and everything worked out in the end, even though I realized that a lot of my success over the last term was the result of luck. This term, I need to do more and push myself, but I've set myself up to do just that.
Over Christmas break, which was also went by with rapid speed before my eyes, was pure and wonderful. My family and a few friends passed many moments of joy with me, and life got to be simple during that brief time. Sleep, novels, shopping, celebrations, and happy movies were enjoyed thoroughly, completely, and often. Church with my parents on Christmas Eve was full of song, smiling children filled to the brim with anticipation for the coming morning, and warm hugs from the congregation. When I woke up on the big day, clad in the new pajamas my parents let me open the night before, the spirit of the season had fully awoken within our home. Sweets for breakfast, all of my brothers at the house, each of us opening our stockings and presents around the big, brightly decorated tree, and a complete, home-made turkey dinner, and nothing and no one forgotten or burnt or missing combined together to form one of the best holidays I've ever been blessed enough to have. In the afternoon, I finished reading "Finding Noel," which was a lovely story, and I passed the evening with my grandparents and old home movies. For the first time since I was much younger, the day felt magical and pure. It was the first perfect Christmas of my adult life.
Snowboarding with my dad and cousin a couple of times in the mountains was exhilarating, even if I did fall and look like an idiot one or twice. The "face-sized" cookies I remember from my childhood were still available at the lodge, and Daddy shared one with me on the way home. New Year's Eve was small and simple with a couple of old friends and the ball dropping at midnight. I had to get my wisdom teeth taken out a few days before my return. Coming back to college was a blur of laundry, packing, driving, and attempting to get myself and my things together upon arrival.
Now I'm back, and I'm no longer in any real pain nor am I puffy-cheeked as I was a few days ago. Life is moving more slowly again. This term is already packed full of courses I know I will enjoy, and I'm in the process of completing my transfer applications for a few of the schools in Boston so that I will have my options open when I figure out whether or not I belong here, which will only be determined with time. This place is a good place, it's just unfortunate that the size of its theatre department as well as the location are not what I feel I want or need at this point. All of this is confusing, my realities and my attempts at planning. All of it confuses me and sometimes leads me to feeling anxious.
For right now, I'm just trying to reflect and take it all in. The next couple of weeks will be very interesting. Between auditions, forcing myself into better study habits, new classes, transfer paperwork, and all the little readjustments that I have to make now that I'm back, it's going to be a lot of work. I'm determined to make myself proud of all I put my efforts into over the semester.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Montreal
Walking alongside the port with two wonderful human beings by my side, guiding me along the river and describing the scene of Old Montreal, complete with horse-drawn, rose-colored carriage passing by, the night was practically perfect. The day was spent enjoying the wonderful company of the girl who may be the best friend I made in Paris, and enjoying the simple acts of dressing up or making pancakes together. I was overwhelmed with excitement when I saw Amel at the bus station, and we embraced one another with giggles and squeals that put young schoolgirls to shame! Shopping together again in another beautiful city was also a delightful experience that I had missed being able to blissfully escape into with her since my return to America.
Even though midterms are haunting me and my twenty-page paper has yet to have a single page sent in to my professor, who has requested at least half of my first draft in his inbox to view before my next tutorial, I'm managing to have some fun and still make some progress. Life is far from perfect, but right now, I am happy, et la vie est encore belle <3
Even though midterms are haunting me and my twenty-page paper has yet to have a single page sent in to my professor, who has requested at least half of my first draft in his inbox to view before my next tutorial, I'm managing to have some fun and still make some progress. Life is far from perfect, but right now, I am happy, et la vie est encore belle <3
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
A New Start
Well, here I am at last. in my lackluster Freshmen dorm consumed by a messy blur of heels, binders, and scattered odds and ends. It's been a little over a month since my arrival at Elmira College, yet I've already managed to change my schedule three times, miss each class at least once, and have a couple break-down sessions. Although there are many words I could use to describe my experience so far, "easy" is not one of them.
My expectations were unclear anyways, but I still had it in my head that I would get involved with interesting clubs, events, and people, and that all the social drama I felt in high school would never again return. However, this is a small town, and an even smaller campus, and already the chaos has recommenced. The majority of it does not concern or effect me, and even the portion of it which does play some sort of role in my current life is unable to penetrate my personal stability. It's all too fresh and not yet put together enough for me grasp any of it yet.
Play-times, bubble baths with Santa beards, and Dr. Suess before those late evenings of conversation on the Seine with his hand in mine amongst the fast-paced and eternally chic Parisians under the glimmering lights are no longer part of my life. Even considering the frequent nights of tears and loneliness, frustrations with the administration, and a long string of miserable dates with manipulative men during my initial months, and all of the constant work and stress I put myself through to get there, the result was completely worth it all. I was blessed enough to transform myself into a stronger, more independent, and much less ignorant human being who got to live the dream of finding love in Paris. Leaving that puppy-eyed child and saying "good-bye" to his family and my new friends, as well as the man who will never fully leave my heart, was the most excruciating emotional experience I have ever had.
Still, my determination got me here, and will lead me to my desires so long as I never forget my mission to learn, create, and explore. If I had stayed in Paris, as a nanny, even for only one more year, it would have been that much more difficult to leave, and there's a large possibility that I would not be able to bring myself to part from any of it until Etienne goes to college. I would hate myself if I didn't get an education, earn a degree, intern at DisneyWorld, and run off to Broadway auditions in New York City before joining the Peace Corps or teaching Engish in China. These are my ambitions, and if I were to wake up one morning ten or fifteen years from now and realized that I had never even attempted any of them, or wrote a book, or traveled the world, or completely any work of art and beauty, then I would learn what it is to regret. I never want that.
The place where I exist at this very moment is far from the place to where I strive, but it's the place I need to exist in at this very moment. This is where I am learning to create habits that will provide me with success, and where I will earn a degree and discover internships that will remain on my resume throughout the entirety of my future. This is where I need to be in order to begin the life I want to have in five years.
My expectations were unclear anyways, but I still had it in my head that I would get involved with interesting clubs, events, and people, and that all the social drama I felt in high school would never again return. However, this is a small town, and an even smaller campus, and already the chaos has recommenced. The majority of it does not concern or effect me, and even the portion of it which does play some sort of role in my current life is unable to penetrate my personal stability. It's all too fresh and not yet put together enough for me grasp any of it yet.
Play-times, bubble baths with Santa beards, and Dr. Suess before those late evenings of conversation on the Seine with his hand in mine amongst the fast-paced and eternally chic Parisians under the glimmering lights are no longer part of my life. Even considering the frequent nights of tears and loneliness, frustrations with the administration, and a long string of miserable dates with manipulative men during my initial months, and all of the constant work and stress I put myself through to get there, the result was completely worth it all. I was blessed enough to transform myself into a stronger, more independent, and much less ignorant human being who got to live the dream of finding love in Paris. Leaving that puppy-eyed child and saying "good-bye" to his family and my new friends, as well as the man who will never fully leave my heart, was the most excruciating emotional experience I have ever had.
Still, my determination got me here, and will lead me to my desires so long as I never forget my mission to learn, create, and explore. If I had stayed in Paris, as a nanny, even for only one more year, it would have been that much more difficult to leave, and there's a large possibility that I would not be able to bring myself to part from any of it until Etienne goes to college. I would hate myself if I didn't get an education, earn a degree, intern at DisneyWorld, and run off to Broadway auditions in New York City before joining the Peace Corps or teaching Engish in China. These are my ambitions, and if I were to wake up one morning ten or fifteen years from now and realized that I had never even attempted any of them, or wrote a book, or traveled the world, or completely any work of art and beauty, then I would learn what it is to regret. I never want that.
The place where I exist at this very moment is far from the place to where I strive, but it's the place I need to exist in at this very moment. This is where I am learning to create habits that will provide me with success, and where I will earn a degree and discover internships that will remain on my resume throughout the entirety of my future. This is where I need to be in order to begin the life I want to have in five years.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)